I Need A Nap...Again

Disclosure: A lot of this post will come across as self-indulgent. I am aware. Still, it is what it is :)


I've always been a great sleeper. I remember taking daily naps throughout middle school and high school. Sleep was highly respected in my family, which meant that no one would wake you up unless it was necessary. In high school my alarm clock was my dad as he was headed out for work. Before leaving, he would sit at the end of my bed and wake me up with foot massages! He would leave my bedroom door opened and since my room was near the kitchen, I would wake up to marvelous foot massages and the smells of homemade flour tortillas...a vital component to any Mexican's breakfast diet :) As you can imagine, I loved sleep!


My associations to sleep and naps were great. Even as I'm typing this out, I have a big smile on my face just thinking about my old habits! Naps were never seen as a waste of time. They were crucial to my growth my parents always emphasized! And lets just say that after leaving home, college and graduate school continued to be a safe haven in my nap routine. I was very busy, but my schedule was so flexible that I could always schedule in a nap.


Fast forward to my internship and fellowship, after endless years in graduate school, and my glorious naps took a huge hit! I just didn't have the time to take them very often, once a week naps sadly became a luxury. I felt like an addict in withdrawals going from daily naps down to ONE a week. Fast forward a couple of years into my actual, real, full-time, grown-up, M-F job, and my naps were no longer a luxury it felt like, but a necessity. My body craved naps. My husband and friends joked that I could sleep for the rest of my life if they let me. Internally though, I felt like I really needed a nap. I figured it was due to my upbringing and what others called "bad habits" during school. I never realized that in a few months my body would really need naps 1000x more!


When my RA really got going and the flares became a regular part of my life, sleeping and naps became an even bigger need. Now, I truly always feel like I need a nap. The fatigue is so intense that sometimes I am amazed that I get through the day. My body often feels waterlogged. Sluggish and heavy muscles are my constant companions. I never knew, despite my past expertise, how vital a nap could be. Though my husband and friends understand that naps are now part of my self-care process, I now feel guilty about taking them. ME! The person who laughed and was genuinely confused when others said they felt guilty taking naps or saw them as a waste of time. It's funny how when something is no longer in  your control, it becomes larger than itself. I have internal debates almost everyday regarding whether I should nap or not. It feels like just another thing RA has complicated for me. Sometimes I am so tired that I just fall asleep without wanting to, other times I "allow" myself to nap, and very rarely now do I look forward to napping for "fun".


I'm finding it easier overtime to not be so hard on myself. I allow for plenty of rest and when necessary, I nap. It's still a great feeling to climb into bed while it's still light outside, spread out across my mattress, and blissfully take a nap. But, there's a nagging thought now of "Fight it, don't let RA take anymore time away from you." I try to remember my previous relationship with sleep, but like a lot of old relationships, it's hard to think of the good when something bad has ruptured it. Yes, I realize I just compared naps to old relationships...it's that serious people!


Friends...please tell me what I'm going to do when I have children? Will I survive?! How?!

Awareness Day!

Today, February 2nd, is Rheum Awareness day! As a small way to raise awareness, I changed by Facebook profile and cover pictures to show support. When people hear Rheumatoid Arthritis I think a common thought is "old people arthritis"- PC or not, I've heard responses like this. I don't blame anyone, because prior to my own diagnosis, I only had a vague notion of the disease. So, I encourage everyone to share little tidbits about our disease whenever possible today. I struggle with just how much to share (later post on that), but today especially, I will make an effort to raise awareness.


There's a push to identify Rheumatoid Arthritis as Rheumatoid Disease (RD) in order to better capture the seriousness of it. As I think more about this, I can definitely see the different implications the two terms bring up. Arthritis is a very common ailment for many people, so I can see how RA would be categorized as simple joint pain and stiffness. RD implies much more than that. Labels drive me crazy sometimes...funny for someone in the Mental Health profession...but, unfortunately sometimes that is the only way to push forward an agenda. For RA/RD, the agenda (for me at least) should be one of awareness, understanding, research, treatment accessibility, and support.


Dealing with this disease is complicated and it's important for others to realize that, not for pity or attention, but for empathy and validation. Many would say that you only need your own validation in order to deal with something difficult. However, that's in an ideal world. In the real world, in my world, empathy and validation provide the type of support that keeps me pushing through. The type of support that lets me know I can live a full life, despite whatever struggles I may be experiencing.


Today, I hope everyone takes advantage of the impact awareness can have. Awareness is often the first step, so join me spreading some around!